CHAPTER TWELVE

Pip and the Truth

I often visited Estella while she lived in London with friends of Miss Havisham's. She had a large number of admirers, and I became jealous of all of them. I still thought about her, day and night, and my dearest wish was to marry her, even though I was never happy with her. Miss Havisham ordered me several times to bring Estella to visit her, and I always obeyed, of course. Estella was still as proud and cold as ever, and she was this way with her admirers, with Miss Havisham and with me.

One admirer of hers was unpleasant Bentley Drummle. One day I asked her about him.

"Estella, why do you keep encouraging someone like Drummle? Nobody likes him, and he's stupid."

"Don't be a fool, Pip. You're so much like a child," she answered. "I encourage him because it has a certain effect on my other admirers."

"He isn't worth your encouragement!" I cried angrily.

"If I smile at him, it's because it means nothing to me. At least I am always honest with you and don't give you false looks or smiles. You should be glad."

My heart was aching for Estella, but I had no idea that a horrible event would happen that would completely destroy my hopes and dreams. Events which had begun before I ever met her were slowly reaching their end.

Herbert and I had moved to live in rooms in a house by the river, in the Temple area of London. He was abroad on business one evening when I was alone at home, reading. The weather was terrible, stormy and wet, and the streets were covered with deep mud. The wind off of the river shook the whole building. As I finished reading and closed my book at eleven o'clock, I heard a heavy footstep on the stairs. I went to the door with my lamp and saw a man coming slowly upstairs. He was about sixty and was wearing rough clothes. He had a brown face and long gray hair. What both surprised and frightened me was that he was holding out both hands to me.

I was polite but cold. "Can I help you?" I asked.

"Ah! Yes," he said and dropped his hands. "Yes, I'll explain." He entered into the sitting room and looked admiringly at my furniture and books. Then he held out his hands to me again, but I would not take them. He sat down in a chair, rubbed his eyes with one rather dirty hand, and looked at me.

"Ah," he said, "it's disappointing, it is. I've looked forward to this day for so long, I have. Still it's not your fault. Is there anybody near who can hear us?"

"Why are you, a stranger, asking me that question?" I asked. Then I knew who he was! In spite of all the years that had passed, I knew for certain that he was my prisoner! When he held out his hands again, I took them. He raised my hands to his lips and kissed them.

"I've never forgotten how you helped me all those years ago, Pip!" He tried to put his arms around me, but I stopped him.

"If you are still grateful for what I did in my childhood, then I hope you have changed your bad ways and improved your way of life now. Why have you come here to thank me? It wasn't necessary. You must understand that ... " I stopped speaking when I noticed how he was staring at me with his mouth open.

"What is it I understand?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me.

"That you and I met once in the past, but I don't wish to be your friend. Our lives are separate. Do you want to have a drink before you leave?" I noticed that his eyes were full of tears. "I'm sorry if I sound too hard." I added. "I didn't mean to be. Let's hope for good luck in your future!" We drank together. "Where have you been living recently?"

"I escaped from the prison-ship, as you know, so I was sent to Australia. After several years I finished my punishment, and so I was allowed to work for myself. I did every kind of job there. I made a lot of money, but it was a hard life."

"I'm glad to hear that you were successful," I said. "That reminds me—I have the two pounds you sent me long ago. Thank you but I don't need it now." I handed him two new pound notes from my purse. Then he held the notes over the lamp until they caught fire.

"May I ask," he said, "how it is you've done so well since I met you on those lonely wetlands?" I began to shake, and he fixed his eyes on mine.

"I—I've been chosen to receive a fortune so that I may become a gentleman," I whispered.

"I'd like to guess how much," said the prisoner. "Could it be, perhaps, five hundred pounds a year?" I stood up quickly, holding on to the back of my chair with my heart beating like a hammer. I felt my entire world move.

"Is your agent," he continued, "is he perhaps a lawyer by the name of Jaggers?"

Suddenly, I knew the awful truth about my fortune. I could neither speak nor breathe, and I fell on to the sofa. Bringing his worn, old face close to mine, he bent over me.

"Yes, Pip, dear boy, you've guessed the truth that I'm the person who made a gentleman of you! You see, while I was in Australia I promised myself that all the money I earned should go to you—I'm your second father, Pip! I didn't go to school and I'm not a gentleman myself, but I've got you, Pip! Just look what a gentleman you are, and the education and books you have! One day you'll read them to me, Pip, even if I can't understand them! Didn't you ever think that I could be the person sending you the money?"

"Oh no, no, no," I replied. "Never, never! Wasn't anyone else involved?"

"No, just me, and Jaggers. Dear boy, I want you to understand that I kept myself going just by thinking of you. I promised myself I'd come back to England one day and see you grown into a gentleman." He laid his hand on my shoulder. "Find a bed for me to sleep in," he said. "And this is most important—not a word to anybody! I'll be hanged if they know I've come back. Remember I was sent away for life."

I was horribly confused. A man whom I could not like, who had paid for my education and luxuries for years, had come to see me, even though it meant he was putting his life in danger. My whole body shook with disgust when he touched me, but I also had to protect him.

He slept in Herbert's room. I carefully locked all the doors and then sat weakly down by the fire, trying to make sense of my life. How foolish my dreams now seemed! Miss Havisham had never wanted to make me rich. And she had no plans to let me marry Estella. But what was worse was that this prisoner, who could be caught and hanged at any moment, was the reason I had left my life with Joe and Biddy. I knew I could never, never, never forgive myself for that.

(end of section)